I'm Not Who You Think I Am
by MossTheInflatableCow
Summary: Documentation of Remus Lupin's life, beginning when he is bitten by Fenrir Greyback and ending with his death. Fairly Marauder-centric. Rated for graphic images and later chapters.
1. Veiled In Darkness

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or any of the characters in this chapter.**

**Chapter 1: Veiled In Darkness**

"With all due respect, Mr. Greyback, I find the prospect of someone with your, well, condition, spending so much time around my family rather difficult to imagine. I would not, of course, mind if you were to stay in, say, our fort. It looks rather childish, but I have made certain time and time again that it is suitable for living in. Our Remus and his little friends love that place so much," John Lupin chuckled slightly at the thought of his son's antics.

"That is a most unfortunate view on matter, John." Any hint of a smile left John's face when saw the look in Fenrir's eyes. "I'm afraid it's all or nothing."

The words were civil enough, but the tone of voice with which the werewolf was speaking worried John, to say the least. Perhaps it was this that led him to make what was quite possibly the biggest mistake of his life: explaining _why_ exactly he did not want a werewolf staying in his house. "As I said before, I mean no disrespect, but it's hardly safe allowing a person who turns into a vicious monster on a regular basis stay with my family." The instant the words were out of his mouth, he regretted them. That was not at all what he had meant to say, so he backtracked, "N-not that I believe you to be a vicious monster, i-it's just that you would be rather…er…unapproachable at certain times of the month. I-I—"

His stammered apology was cut off by the slamming of the front door as Fenrir Greyback left.

John fell numbly back into a chair and felt the colour drain from his face. "Oh Jesus. Oh God. What have I done?"

It was the first time he asked that, but it definitely would not be the last.

* * *

Remus' father had been very strict about keeping him inside after dark lately, but Remus didn't understand why. Some bloke from his dad's business had come over and talked to him and since then he wasn't even allowed out with the porch lights on and him mum watching like he used to be able to.

This annoyed him because he really liked playing outside at night. Night was the best time to play tag. Night was when he could play flashlight tag with his Muggle neighbors and, as it was the only Muggle game that he really liked, he had been missing it dearly. Flashlight tag wasn't the only thing he liked about nighttime, either. He loved how different the world looked. In the day, there were loads of bright colours that positively radiated happiness, but Remus had always thought the dark shades of the night were much more interesting. He liked how if you shone light on them they would be bright colours like you could see during the day, but you couldn't tell just by looking around. It was like his daddy, he thought: pretending to be serious but really just wanting to laugh and play. He never even considered that the bright colours weren't just hiding or playing pretend. He never even considered that something might be keeping them from showing their colours, that there was a darkness enveloping them that they couldn't shake off.

He didn't realise that the flowers his mummy always kept such good care of couldn't help the fact that they looked dark, rather than vibrant yellow, in the nighttime. He never even considered that this very affliction might soon overcome him. He didn't understand why his dad shouted at him when he begged to go outside on that night. He just knew that he wanted more than anything to look at the full moon, his favourite kind of moon, to see the flowers that were pretending to be dark, to play flashlight tag with his friends. He didn't have any clue what he was getting himself into that night.

* * *

The only light was that of the moon. Remus liked it. He'd never been outside at night without at least the porch lights on. This was cool, this was _exciting_. He would go to one of his friends' house later to see if they wanted to play, but it had hit him that he could do whatever he wanted now. His mum wasn't there to stop him. They lived near some woods that his mum and dad had never let him explore before and this was the best chance he'd ever had to look around.

He tried to be careful about it; Dad was always telling him he should be more patient, that he'd wind up hurting himself if he didn't pay more attention to what he was doing. But he was just too excited. He took a few careful steps, watching what he was doing, but before he knew it, he was sprinting off into the woods.

There were all sorts of things to play with in there: nice long sticks he cold pretend were wands (only five more years before he'd get his own! He was more than halfway there!), hollowed out trees that could be the lairs of evil monsters, fallen trees that could be sleeping dragons.

He got so caught up in playing pretend that he lost track of how deep he'd gone into the woods and even which way he'd come from. This type of thing wasn't particularly unusual for him, but it put him into a real panic when he realised that he felt someone watching him.

At first, he felt sure it was his father, that he was going to be in deep trouble for sneaking out, but he quickly realised that this couldn't be true. His dad would have walked straight up to him, not waited and watched in silence.

He looked around, trying to see who was watching him, stepping backwards nervously. He couldn't run home because he didn't know where home was. He dropped his stick. It wasn't a real wand. It wouldn't help at all. He tried to find someone or something that could help him. He was lost. He didn't know what to do. At that moment, he wanted to cry; he could even feel the tears stinging at the corners of his eyes. He wanted his mummy and even came close to shouting that out. In fact, he definitely would have done if he'd been able to find his voice. Normally the moon would have calmed him down—it always made him feel better when he'd just had a row with one of his mates or his parents—but when he looked up at it, he couldn't help but feel that it looked menacing.

He stumbled slightly as he backed up and bumped into a tree. Overcome by fear, he slid down the trunk and curled up into a ball at its roots, trying hard not to think about whatever it was that he could still feel watching him. The tears were now sliding freely down his face and his throat had closed up completely. It didn't help that he could hear footsteps now. And those footsteps were definitely not human.

He heard the ground crunch loudly under the paws of the beast that was watching him. Just on time, he threw himself to the side, still blinded by tears and terror. The beast, whatever it was, turned, and made another leap. This time, Remus was not so lucky. He heard it moving and tried to get out of the way, but didn't move fast enough. Gigantic paws slammed into his back and crushed him into the ground. A sharp pain shot through his entire body as several of his ribs cracked under the beast's paws. He welcomed unconsciousness as a friend.

* * *

It was nine o'clock when John and Joanne realised that Remus was missing. They had gone to check up on him, as they often did when he was sleeping, only to find his bed empty.

They went into a panic. They called their families, the Ministry of Magic's missing person's sector, and even the Muggle policemen. It was only after hours of searching the town that John resigned to the fact that the only place his son could possibly have gone was into the woods. He was fully aware of the dangers that going in there alone would entail, but he felt that he was responsible for this, and no one else should be put into danger for his mistakes.

He was fortunate enough not to find himself in harm's way throughout his search, but when he finally found his son around sunrise, he thought he might have felt better if some beast _had_ killed him. Not for the first time, he whispered, "No…no…what have I done?"

Remus' tiny body was completely and utterly broken. He was facedown in the grass, one arm sticking out at an odd angle. John could actually see that several of his ribs had been broken; one side of his body seemed to have caved in slightly. He was drenched in blood, deep bite marks cut into his neck, ripped out of his shoulder, exposed the bone in one of his arms. He was not moving at all. It did not even seem as though he was drawing breath.

Somehow, John managed to find the force of will to approach his son. He collapsed to his knees beside the little boy, praying but not believing that his little boy might still be alive. Slowly, tremulously, he reached out and put his hand on the child's uninjured shoulder. His body was still warm. Surely that meant that his blood was still circulating, that his heart was still beating, didn't it? Something remarkably close to hope welled up inside John. At that moment, as some of the shock wore off, the tears welled up in his eyes.

He blinked them back as best he could and, as carefully possible, lifted his son's body up into his arms. Holding him like this, he thought he could just feel the boy breathing. Relief flooded through him as him sobbing became uncontrollable. It felt like an age in which he knelt there, his son in his arms, weeping both for what could have happened to his baby boy and what had happened to him.

He did not remember carrying his six-year-old son back to the house, meeting back up with his wife, or arriving at St. Mungo's. But, despite the relief he felt when the Healers told them that Remus would live, a question was exploding inside him. Apparently the Healers were aware that he knew what Remus would be from now on and he was grateful that they did not feel the need to remind him.

But when they left John and Joanne in the room for some time alone with their unconscious son, John turned slowly to his wife. His eyes welled up with tears once more and his voice came out rather strangled. "Joanne…What have I done?"

* * *

**A/N: I really do like to have feedback, so whether you loved it or think it was the worst thing you've ever read, please tell me what you think. Thanks :)**


	2. To Hogwarts

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any characters you recognise.**

* * *

**Chapter 2: To Hogwarts**

Remus was eleven years old, standing in Platform 9 ¾ in King's Cross Station with a trolley in front of him and his father behind. He was about to do something he never would have thought possible. He was about to go to Hogwarts. Though his parents would never have said anything to imply it, it didn't take him long to gather that a werewolf would not be wanted in a building that was positively packed with people—children, no less. Therefore, he had been rather shocked to receive a letter of acceptance into the school from Albus Dumbledore in mid July of that year. His parents, on the other hand, didn't seem in the least bit surprised and he couldn't help but wonder if they hadn't talked to Dumbledore about his condition. These suspicions, however, did not make him any less excited or nervous.

He would not, of course, be able to make friends anyone. He knew that. Not only would he be a danger to anyone who got too close to him, but who would want to be friends with a werewolf?

What he was excited about, and the reason he wanted to go to Hogwarts in the first place, were the classes. He'd learn to be a proper wizard from real professors instead of just learning out of books and from his dad (whom he loved dearly, but couldn't imagine teaching anyone much of anything). He was ready for his classes, too. He'd read all of his books at least once. Indeed, he'd read through _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them _three times, he'd found it so fascinating. He hadn't understood much of the Potions book, but he had an inkling that it would be easier to understand if someone taught it to him in person. When his parents weren't around, he'd even practiced some of the spells in his spellbooks and found that he wasn't bad at performing simple charms and transfiguration. He just hoped he'd studied enough that he wouldn't be the worst in the class.

He didn't realise he'd been standing in one spot thinking about this for a good couple minutes until his father nudged him encouragingly and said, "There's no need to be nervous."

Remus though there was quite a lot to be nervous about, but also thought that if he argued now his dad might think he wasn't ready and decide he should just go home. He understood perfectly well why his parents were so protective of him, but that didn't mean he liked it. So, he took a deep breath and began to push his trolley towards the train. He found an empty compartment and John helped him put his luggage in it, gave him one last hug and whispered, "Just remember to be yourself and you'll do fantastic. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you, you're perfect just the way you are. I love you, son."

In all the years he had spent with only his parents as company, Remus had learned to read his father very well and knew this to mean, "People won't like you if they find out what you are," but knew that his dad meant well and told him that he loved him back.

After John left, Remus sat in the otherwise empty compartment for at least ten minutes, trying to convince himself not to try and make friends. This was extremely difficult as there were so many witches and wizards around his age here and none of them knew what he was. He busied himself reading a book on Quidditch, a sport that he liked very much but had never been particularly good at, and tried to ignore all the excited voices coming from just outside his compartment.

But his resolve quickly gave way and he decided that just _looking_ around and finding out a bit about his peers that way couldn't possibly do any harm. So, he stood up, walked to the door to the compartment, and stepped out just as two other children stormed passed. One of them, a rather short boy with greasy black hair, pallid skin, and a hooked nose, crashed into him with such force that he nearly fell over. The pair didn't stop, but Remus heard the other kid, a tall girl with dark red hair say, "Sev! Didn't you even notice that boy? You should go apologise!" This made Remus smile a little because it made him think of a mother reprimanding her son, not one child talking to another.

He righted himself and headed off in the opposite direction that the girl and boy had gone. On the way down the train, he passed by several open compartments with all sorts of people in them.

One harboured a boy who looked a bit older than him. He kept on looking at himself in a mirror, trying to get his blond hair to curl up, all the while muttering something about the most effective ways to perform memory charms. Another held a pale, blonde-haired young woman with a look on her face reminiscent of a person with something very foul under their nose. A short, pudgy boy with small, watery eyes dropped all his books when he walked past, so Remus stopped to help him. He squeaked a quick thank you and stumbled off in the opposite direction.

Once he got to the front of the train, he turned around and headed back, hoping to see more people on the way, even if he didn't talk to them. He was surprised to see that the black-haired boy called Sev and his friend had found a compartment closer to the front. The door was open and the red-haired girl was talking excitedly to another girl, who had rather short, messy hair and big blue eyes. He was interested in finding out what they were talking about because it sounded like stuff he'd read in his spellbooks, but at the risk of looking nosy he kept walking.

He'd just about reached his compartment again when someone stopped him. It was the boy who'd dropped his books before. "HiI'mPeter," he said very fast, his small eyes darting around. "'."

Remus blinked. "Er…sorry…what?"

"I'm Peter."

Remus knew that could not possibly have been all he'd said before, but he shrugged it off and replied, "Oh, hi. I'm Remus."

Peter shifted uncomfortably. "So…I don't have any fr—I-I mean, I can't find anywhere to stay and I was wondering if I could sit in your compartment with you because everywhere else is full an—" He cut off, looking embarrassed.

Remus' instant reaction would have been to tell him no because he knew that this was exactly the sort of thing that might put this blundering boy in danger some day, but the other kid looked so pathetic that, without thinking, Remus replied, "Sure. It's right here," and led him into his compartment.

Peter tried several times to start conversations with Remus and, for his part, Remus had tried to be polite and answer whenever he said anything. The problem was the boy didn't seem all that smart and the only thing they had in common was their love of Quidditch. They discussed their favourite teams for a while, but there was only so much they could say before the topic got dull. So, for a long time, they just sat in silence. After the trolley witch came and they piled up on food, Peter began to ramble on about his family life, obviously hoping to rekindle conversation with Remus. He went on and on for what seemed like hours about how he'd thought he was a squib for ages, how his parents got him a pet rat when he got his Hogwarts acceptance letter, how annoying his little sister was, how his pureblood grandfather always annoyed him talking about how Muggleborns weren't proper witches and wizards, about how, one time, he got red and gold shoes for Christmas and maybe that meant he would be in Gryffindor; it seemed like he would never stop. But, when he finished by saying, "What's your home life like?" Remus thought he would have rather had Peter keep talking about his own for the rest of eternity than have to answer that question.

He frowned, thinking, before he started his answer. He spoke slowly and said as little as he could in as many words as possible. He told Peter that his mother was a Muggle and his father was a salesperson at a lesser-known bookstore in Diagon Alley. He told him how he spend most of his time out of the house at his dad's store, that he had a stay-at-home mum, and that he spent a lot of time at home. He mentioned that he was quite close to both his parents, but closer to his father than his mother. He dodged around _why_ he left the house so rarely. He was especially careful not to mention how he sometimes felt bad because he could tell that it broke his dad's heart to know how Remus looked up to him, because his dad still blamed himself for his illness. He finished off as soon as he felt that he had said enough to keep Peter from being suspicious.

No sooner had he finished talking than the door to the compartment flew open. A small, slight boy with very untidy black hair, glasses, and hazel eyes stood in the doorway, looking very self-important. "Budge up," he commanded, and Peter scooted to the side as quickly as possible, looking a bit terrified. The boy sat down and gave each of them an appraising look. "Sirius and I heard you two talking."

Remus had no idea who Sirius was and didn't think they were being loud enough for anyone outside of the compartment to hear them and therefore could think of nothing to say but "Oh." Peter shrank back into a corner, looking rather as though he was afraid the dark boy would suddenly turn into a chimera and have his head for a snack.

"Or rather," the boy continued, "we heard this thing squeaking on about oddly coloured shoes," he jabbed a thumb at Peter, "and figured your conversation could do with some livening up."

"We talked about other stuff, too…" Remus muttered as the compartment door flew open once again. Peter jumped so badly at this that he landed partway in the messy-haired boy's lap.

The boy shoved him off and replied, "Like what? Oddly shaped socks?" He laughed at his own joke.

"I have one of those! When I put it on my foot looks like Gellert Grindelwald. It's kind of creepy…" The boy who had just entered the compartment (Remus assumed this was Sirius) said. "Anyway, what's up?"

"Any luck?" the messy-haired boy asked hopefully.

"Nah," Sirius frowned, but Remus thought he saw a flicker of amusement in his deep grey eyes, "She just said we ought to put on our robes because the train's due to arrive in three minutes."

"We're getting there in three minutes???" the messy-haired boy asked excitedly.

"Oh, yeah. We should probably get our robes on, shouldn't we?" Sirius gave a goofy smile and the two ran out of the compartment to go to their own.

Remus and Peter changed into their own robes as quickly as possible and headed out of the compartment so they wouldn't get stuck in the crowd when the train arrived.

Once it did, they pushed their way out (Peter tripping over his own feet) and turned to the man they could hear calling, "Firs' years, over 'ere, firs' years!" Peter let out a frightened squeak and hid behind Remus. The man was, in truth, quite terrifying. He was enormous: at least twice a normal man's height and five times as wide. He had a wild black beard and was wearing a coat that looked like it was made from the skin of some animal or another, but Remus could tell by his eyes that he was gentle. Remus was good at reading people's eyes. With that comforting thought in mind, he walked over to the huge man, ignoring Peter's pleas not to.

They waited for a few minutes until all the first years had joined Peter and Remus by the giant of a man, and rounded a corner to set eyes on Hogwarts for the first time.


	3. Beginnings

**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**Harry Potter**_** or any characters you recognise.**

**Thanks to my beta Choices HP.  
**

* * *

**Chapter 3: Beginnings**

It was enormous. Remus thought it had to be at least as big as the town he lived in, and that was just the castle. It looked even larger because it was perched atop a mountain. But the size was not the only thing that struck him about the place. He could feel a strange prickling on the back of his neck that almost made him think that magic might be tangible.

Peter was hanging off him again, shaking. Remus assumed he was overcome with nerves at the sight of Hogwarts, but was proven wrong when the chubby boy stuttered, "W-what are th-those for? A-are w-we g-going t-to p-p-paddle across the l-lake?" He was pointing a shaky finger at a small fleet of boats in front of them.

Remus frowned. There was nothing for them to paddle _with_. "Well, no. I suppo—" But he was cut off be the giant man instructing them to get in, no more than four to a boat.

Peter grabbed onto his shoulder even tighter, but when Remus looked at him, he had a look of grim determination on his face. More to himself than Remus, Peter said, "It's okay. It's just a stupid boat. You won't fall out and drown." He let go of Remus and clambered into a boat, tripping slightly.

Remus followed and as soon as Sirius and his friend joined them, the boat began to move of its own accord.

"So, what were we talking about before we had to go?" the messy-haired boy asked with an arrogant smirk.

"Socks that look like Gellert Grindelwald," Remus supplied.

"No, it's _a_ sock that makes my _foot_ look like Gellert Grindelwald, get it right," Sirius corrected, rolling his eyes.

Remus shrugged, wishing he had a book so he could read instead of talk to them. He didn't want to judge them before he really knew them, but all three boys sitting (well, Sirius was _lounging_, really) in the boat with him were beginning to get on his nerves.

"Speaking of Grindelwald," the messy-haired boy said, "What are your names, anyway?"

Peter looked surprised at being addressed; it had apparently escaped him that they'd been talking to both Remus _and_ him the whole time. "Er…my name's Peter…" he looked a little confused.

"I'm Remus," the other boy responded offering the messy-haired one his hand.

"James. And this is Sirius," the boy answered, shaking Remus' hand briefly. "What house d'you reckon you'll be in?"

Remus considered before answering, "I don't think it matters that much."

"_Doesn't matter that much_?" James asked incredulously.

"Look, mate, you can tell a lot about a bloke by what house he's in," Sirius informed him, James nodding in agreement, "For example, Ravenclaws are quick but snobby, Hufflepuffs are nice but weird, Slytherins are scum, and Gryffindors are pretty much the best people in the world." By now, James was nodding his head so hard that Remus wouldn't have been surprised if it had fallen off.

Remus wasn't quite sure that Sirius was right about the houses, but thought it would be rude to say as much. So, as the boats came to a halt, what he said instead was, "You think you'll be in Gryffindor, then?"

"Of course I will!" James sounded offended that Remus even had to ask. "All my family has been in Gryffindor! Where _else_ would they put me?"

Remus shrugged. His question had really been aimed at Sirius, but when he saw the dark look that had come over the other boy's face, he thought it best not to press the matter. He let a silence fall over them as they walked the rest of the way to the castle.

They arrived at a set of giant oak doors that opened to reveal a cavernous hall with another set of doors at the opposite end. Candles floated in the air to light the way and, on the left wall, was a gigantic marble staircase leading up, seemingly unendingly. Directly to his left and right were four large hourglasses, each holding different coloured rocks than the others. However, his observations were cut short by a tall, rather severe-looking woman with dark hair pulled back into a tight bun.

"Welcome!" Her voice sounded almost as severe as she looked. "In a few moments, you will enter the Great Hall to be sorted into your houses. This is extremely important—"

"See, told you," Sirius whispered.

"Because in your time here, your house will be like your family. You will sleep in your house dormitories, eat at your tables, spend your free time in your house common rooms…" It sounded so rehearsed that Remus couldn't help but wonder if she said the same thing every year. "As such, I expect you to take the sorting very seriously. When I call your name, you will step forwards and try on the Sorting Hat. It will know which house you belong in. Now, if you are prepared, follow me." With that, she led them into the Great Hall.

There were five tables: one for each house and a high table for the professors and headmaster. The house tables had just enough space left for the first years to fit in once they'd been sorted. Like in the Entrance Hall, there were candles floating in midair. But what truly fascinated Remus and, it seemed, many of the first years, was the ceiling. He had, of course, read about it in _Hogwarts, A History_, but it was even more spectacular than he'd imagined. It was a deep, velvety blue with bright stars winking down and a crescent moon shining brightly. If he hadn't known better, he would have thought it simply opened up to the heavens. Remus was so distracted by the ceiling, in fact, that he didn't even notice the Sorting Hat until it burst into song.

_O'er a thousand years it's been to date_

_That through disagreement_

_Confusion, fear, and hate_

_The founders did cause a catastrophic event._

_They fought over much so_

_Before that year they opened the door_

_To Hogwarts they created many foes_

_By splitting the school into these houses four._

_Ravenclaw accepted those eager and bright_

_Hufflepuff those hardworking and true._

_But Slytherin kept those whose cunning was their might_

_And Gryffindor took who was braver than any else he knew._

_But in these days of darkness and fear_

_What you must see_

_Is that you must keep all friends near_

_No matter in what house they may be._

_And although I will sort you today_

_Understand that to be true_

_This is absolutely no way_

_To live through the times that face you!_

"Awfully pessimistic hat, doncha think?" James asked. "And if it means I've got to make friends with Slytherins to live, then I think I'll just die, thank you very much!"

Remus saw the red-haired girl, who was standing not too far away, roll her eyes at this.

The woman who had brought them into the Great Hall, Professor McGonagall, had begun calling names. "Abercrombie, Kaimana!" was a dark boy with prominent ears and the first student to be sorted. The hat would have fallen all the way down over his head if his ears hadn't stopped it. It took nearly a minute before shouting "RAVENCLAW!"

"Black, Sirius!" Sirius brushed some of his dark hair out of his eyes and walked up, looking petrified. The terrified expression looked so out of place on his face that Remus wondered if he was anywhere near as confident as he'd seemed. He even had a sneaking suspicion that Sirius didn't actually think he'd be put into Gryffindor.

Indeed, he spent what felt like ages up there, his hands gripping the stool so tightly that his knuckles had gone white, before the hat finally did shout, "GRYFFINDOR!"

Sirius jumped up, throwing the hat off in excitement and shouting, "HAH! I _knew_ it! My parents are gonna flip!" Remus couldn't help but notice how relieved he looked, though.

A couple others were sorted before McGonagall called, "Evans, Lily!" and the girl with dark red hair walked up to be sorted. The boy called Sev crossed his fingers, but looked thoroughly disappointed when, mere seconds after it had been placed on her head, the hat shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!"

A few more, then, "Lupin, Remus!" Remus' legs turned to jelly. He didn't mind being sorted, but he absolutely hated being in front of crowds of people. It made him nervous. He forced himself to walk up and sit on the stool. The hat fell down over his eyes, but he could still feel everyone watching.

"Interesting. No. There's no need to be alarmed. Yes, I can read your thoughts."

'_Okay…weird…and what's so interesting?'_

"You're a werewolf."

'_What does it matter?_'

"It doesn't, but it's troubling that you would think that it might. Not Hufflepuff for you, then, you're too introverted, even if you're rather loyal. Not Slytherin, either, though you do have the cunning, you wouldn't be accepted very easily there…"

'_What if I don't want to be accepted? I'm dangerous to anyone who gets close and—'_

"I can see _everything _in your head and you do want to be accepted. Ravenclaw, maybe? You've certainly got the brains and a very open mind to boot. You accept just about anything as long as it can't be proven untrue."

'_You mean I'm nutters, then?'_

"Well aren't you touchy? You know that—"

'_I know just as much about my brain as you do!_'

"Ugh. Fine."

'_Are you going to figure out what to do with me or not?_'

"Figure out? I knew from the start where I'd put you."

'_Then what's keeping you?_'

"I just spent an entire year sitting around doing nothing, this is the first entertainment I've had in ages!"

'_Can't you—_'

"Yes, fine. You're not fantastic company, anyway…GRYFFINDOR!"

Remus took off the hat, set it on the stool, and rushed over to the Gryffindor table, sitting down next to Lily, who he didn't know but thought might be less irritating than Sirius.

"Hi," she smiled, "Your name's Remus? I'm Lily."

"Hi," Remus said back, looking around as he did so. He was quite relieved that the entire Great Hall wasn't still staring at him.

"It took a while for the hat to sort you. How come?" Lily seemed genuinely confused and she kept looking at normal things like people's robes and the Hogwarts ghosts like they were something out of a fiction novel. It occurred to Remus that she was probably Muggleborn.

"I don't think the hat likes me very much," he answered. He wasn't sure why, but he was smiling.

"Oh." Lily looked even more confused, and turned back to the sorting where the girl with big blue eyes she'd been talking to earlier ("McKnight, Serenity!") was sitting. After a moment, the hat shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!" and she practically ran over to sit across from Lily.

Theodore Nott II was sorted into Slytherin next, then "Pettigrew, Peter!" It took the hat longer by far to sort Peter than it had done with anyone else, including Sirius, but, at long last, it finally shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!"

"Potter, James!" The boy sprinted up, looking entirely too excited and, almost the second the hat touched his head, it shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!" just as he had predicted earlier.

A girl was sorted into Hufflepuff, two into Gryffindor, and a boy into Ravenclaw before McGonagall called, "Snape, Severus!" Lily's friend prowled up and the hat was placed on his head. Lily was bouncing up and down, all her fingers crossed in her lap as he sat there for something close to an eternity. Finally, the hat shouted, "SLYTHERIN!" Lily slumped in disappointment.

The last few students were sorted into their houses and, at last, the feast began. The food appeared on the plates (Remus smiled when Lily jumped at this, but told her it was normal because she looked highly embarrassed). He spent most of the time just eating, listening to what people were saying but not engaging himself because he was still trying to keep people from making friends with him. It would be much safer that way.

James, Sirius, and Peter had all come over to sit with the rest of the Gryffindor first years, which made this rather difficult because they kept talking to him, throwing things at him and poking him when he didn't answer. James gave up after a while, turning to Lily instead, but Sirius was very persistent and got his reward towards the end of desert when he started going on about how fantastic the Chudley Canons were. Remus just about spat out his pudding at that. "The _Chudley Canons_?"

Sirius beamed at finally getting an answer, but looked confused, "Yeah, the Canons. Nothing wrong with the Canons." He threw a muffin at Remus for good measure.

Remus decided that, even if Sirius kept throwing food at him (actually, it was rather convenient because the other boy had a knack for only throwing Remus' favourite foods at him) it wasn't even worth answering someone who thought the Chudley Canons of all teams were good.

"They'll turn around any time now! You'll see!" Sirius looked a bit disconcerted and chucked another muffin at Remus.

Sirius whined about how great the Canons were and how Remus would see until it was time to go to bed. They followed the Prefect to a portrait of a very fat woman. The Prefect said the password ("Nargle", though Remus had never heard of a nargle) and directed them to their dormitories. The room already had all their things in it, so Remus changed into his pyjamas and lay down in his bed. He fell asleep almost instantly.


	4. Friends

**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**Harry Potter**_** or any characters you recognise.**

**Thanks to my beta Choices HP.**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Friends**

A few weeks into classes, it occurred to Remus that, despite all of his efforts, he might not have been entirely successful in keeping people away from him. Because James, Sirius, and Peter were determined to make friends with him, he'd spent a good deal of time trying to push them away. At first, this had mainly consisted of sitting next to other people in class and only going to Gryffindor tower when he needed to sleep. His main hideout was the library because something about the place seemed to repel the other boys. This was what helped Remus to figure out an even more successful method of repelling the three. He took to reading aloud the most boring passages he could find in _Hogwarts, A History_ and _A History of Magic_ every time they attempted to talk to him. By the end of his first week doing this, they'd decided that they didn't want to be friends with him, after all. But, in his efforts to chase them off, he'd somehow managed to reel someone else in.

He hadn't paid any notice to who he sat by in his classes, apart from making certain that it wasn't one of the other three Gryffindor boys, but at some point he realised that it was almost always Lily Evans. This was rather fortunate for both of them as Remus was abysmal at Potions and Lily was really quite awful at Defense Against the Dark Arts. This way, each of them had a helper right next to them if they ever needed one. Because of his very serious need of assistance in Potions class, Remus gave in to the concept of having a study buddy, just as long as they did not become close friends, so he was careful not to spend time with her outside of classes and study hours. The problem with this was that it linked him right back to James and Sirius. The latter bothered Lily almost as much as he did Remus, and the former did so much, much more. It didn't help matters that Lily hated the pair more than the devil himself.

At first, Remus didn't think this concerned him. He didn't stop to consider that she might be interested in his torment of the obnoxious duo. But she was. In fact, after he read a particularly dull passage of _A History of Magic_ about the Centaur Convention of 1723 to them, she approached him, clearly trying not to laugh. She seemed a bit nervous, perhaps thinking that he had actually enjoyed that section of the book. "That was an…er…interesting passage," she said, choking back a giggle.

Remus laughed quietly to himself. "You think so?"

Lily went a little bit pink, "Well, no, but Potter's and Black's reactions were funny."

Remus smiled. "I didn't really care that much about their reactions. I just wanted them to go away."

"Does that always work?"

"Well, yeah. Pretty much. That was a particularly good one, though…it normally takes longer."

She laughed again. "Well, you're going to have to teach me about that…what kind of things they hate to hear about. Merlin knows I need _someone_ to help me get rid of them."

"It's really not that difficult. Just rant about something that doesn't have to do with Quidditch or pranking and they'll be gone in a heartbeat. Honestly, Lily, it's that easy."

She gave a sarcastic sort of snort, "Right. I don't know anything about Quidditch or pranks and they still won't leave me be. What's your secret?"

Remus sighed. He really hoped she didn't expect him to help her too much; that might push him into a friendship that he knew he couldn't have, for her safety and his secrecy. "They know how much of a nerd I am is all. They think I'm too much of a loser for them."

Lily mistook the meaning of his sigh and put a hand on his shoulder, "There's a difference between wanting to do well in school and being a loser, Remus."

Taken aback, Remus pulled away and said, "But—I—I mean—I'm glad because they irritate me and—and—I don't want them to—to—" He trailed off, looking nervously at Lily.

"Is that why you don't talk to me unless I talk to you?"

He winced. Had it been that obvious? "Of course not! It's just—" He paused to consider, making certain he didn't look into her eyes as he thought about his predicament. The full moon was only a few days away and if she considered him a friend by then, she might wonder where he'd been. She wasn't stupid, after all, and there really would be no other explanation for monthly absences, especially considering they would always land on the day of and the day after the full moon. She would figure him out and then one of two things would happen. Most likely, she would hate him for it. She would be frightened and never talk to him again; she might tell her friends and then they would tell theirs and they theirs until the entire school knew and he would be an outcast. He might even be kicked out. But the other possibility was in many ways even worse. She would accept him for what he was. She would not understand how dangerous he was to her and would stay loyally by his side until the bitter end. He would probably wind up being the one who brought about the end. He would lose control and hurt or even kill the only friend he ever had in the world. It was nice to have someone other than his parents who liked him, but it wasn't worth it.

"It's just what?" Lily sounded worried.

"Fine." Remus still would not meet her eyes, but he'd made his decision. There really never was much of an option: he couldn't be friends with her or anyone. "You want to know the truth? I can't understand why they keep bothering you because you're even less cool than I am! All you do is study, you're a know-it-all, you show off every time you manage to do anything right in our classes, and you're not even that good at magic. It's no wonder your only friend is that slimy git Snivillus!" It hurt Remus to say all of this almost as much as it hurt Lily to hear it. He didn't believe any of it, but he had always been good at reading people, so he knew exactly what would hit her the hardest and used that against her. He watched her struggle for words for a moment, then storm off, tears in her eyes. He turned to look out the common room window, trying to push back the overwhelming feeling of guilt rising up in his chest.

If it kept both of them safe, it was worth it.

* * *

The next few days went by slower than usual, without anyone to talk to in class, but on the day of the full moon, Remus couldn't help but wish that they'd gone by even slower. First thing in the morning, he got up, telling Sirius, James, and Peter that he didn't feel well and asking them to tell his professors so as not to arouse suspicion. It wasn't a lie, either, he always felt horrible around the full moon. Of course, all the teachers already knew about his condition, but it would look odd if one of the best students in the year just didn't show up to classes one day despite the fact that all he ever seemed to do was study. As soon as he was sure the other boys would pass on the message, he headed down to the hospital wing, where he would stay until around 4:30 in the afternoon. By then, Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore had arrived. Dumbledore wouldn't be there every time, but he thought it wise to come for the boy's first transformation at the very least, to make sure he was okay with the routine. In truth, Remus _wasn't_ okay with the routine, he thought it would be too easy for people to figure out what his condition was, but if this was what it would take for him to learn to be a wizard, he would risk it. Once McGonagall and Dumbledore were there, they set out. Somehow, and Remus wasn't sure he'd ever know how, they got all the way out of the castle and across the grounds without running into another student, teacher, or ghost. He hoped that they could be that lucky every month.

It was when they got to the whomping willow that Remus really started to get nervous. What if he figured out a way to escape after he transformed? What if he didn't? What would it be like to be stuck inside the whole time, even as he lusted for human flesh? What would he do to make up for the fact that he couldn't go looking for humans? What was he even thinking? Other people's wellbeing, of course, was more important than his own.

Madame Pomfrey used a levitation charm to poke a knot at the roots of the tree with a stick and the entire thing froze up. With that, Dumbledore and McGonagall led them into a path by the knot, followed by Remus, with Madame Pomfrey bringing up the rear. After quite some time walking through the tunnel, they arrived in a house. It was quite nice, really. There was a large, comfortable-looking four-poster bed, a table with chairs around it, a wardrobe, and even a sink. It looked, Remus thought, as though they were trying to make him feel like he was at home and could do whatever he pleased. Like he should be so lucky. As if he had a choice. But he didn't say anything because he thought it was very nice of them to try and distract him from the inevitable.

Before long, though, his thoughts were interrupted by Dumbledore. "I will be back to pick you up as soon as the moon sets tomorrow morning and escort you back to the hospital wing. A spare set of robes is in the wardrobe for you. If you have no questions, I daresay it is about time for Minerva, Poppy, and I to be going. Are you ready?"

Remus could only assume Dumbledore asked this to make him more comfortable, but he didn't think it mattered in the slightest whether he was ready or not. It was coming, he could feel it inside him even now. He nodded at the headmaster.

The old man smiled gently at him before turning to go, beckoning Pomfrey and McGonagall to do the same. Remus was alone. A few minutes passed in which he wandered around nervously, trying to peek out the cracks between the boards that closed the windows up, flopping back onto the bed only to be back on his feet again moments later. Then the first ray of moonlight shone in and his entire body froze.

It happened just like it always did, but this time he didn't have the added comfort of knowing that, just on the other side of a wall, his parents, people who loved and cared about him, were waiting. It seemed to hurt more than usual, but he suspected that was why. He could feel his bones shaking, elongating under his skin. He fell onto his hands and knees only to find that he wasn't on his hands and knees, but on four paws. The claws stabbed their way out through the tips of what used to be his fingers. A tail grew right there and then, his teeth lengthened into sharp razors in his mouth. Every second of the way was pure agony. It was all happening too fast and his body couldn't handle it. He was used to it, but that didn't make it feel any better. It was not until he was fully transformed that he lost his mind.

The transformation itself was the most painful part, but it most certainly was not the most frightening. What Remus truly dreaded was always after he was a werewolf, because he could always remember with shocking detail everything that happened. He could see it through his eyes, with his mind, and remember everything he did. But he didn't have control over his actions. Typically speaking back home, he would wind up in the forest. Or, rather, before he fully lost control, he would force himself to run into the woods so he wouldn't be near any people. Sometimes, he'd kill animals. Often, these would be marsupials, relatively small and easy to catch, but on occasion it would be something bigger, once he even caught a deer. He supposed this was better than attacking people, but he really was rather fond of animals and it always made him feel horrible to know that he had ended one's life. Sometimes, he would just run around the woods, searching for humans, and not attack anything. This time, however, was by far the worst he'd ever experienced.

There was nothing to attack, so he attacked the furniture and even himself. The latter was more satisfying than the former because when he bit himself, he drew blood. The taste of blood calmed him somewhat, but not enough to stop his onslaught. The night was very, very long and painful and was made even worse by the fact that he was watching everything he was doing the whole time. His brain screamed for him to stop, but of course he had no control.

The hours seemed to stretch on for years but, at long last, the moonlight dispersed and he began to turn back into a human. The transformation back was nearly as painful as becoming a wolf, but at the very least it meant that he wouldn't have to suffer this again for another month.

Normally, Remus would be in pain for quite a while after his transformation, but he would be able to go on with his life regardless. But this was not normal. He could feel the blood still seeping from the deep gashes he gave himself the night before and he had to suffer this pain on top of the deep agony his bones and muscles always experienced after warping so dramatically twice in one night. He just managed to bring himself to his feet, his head swimming, barely conscious of what he was doing. He stumbled painfully over to the wardrobe and pulled the set of robes on. Finally, he turned to go to the door where Dumbledore was supposed to meet him, but the pain overtook him. He passed out long before he hit the ground.

* * *

When he woke up, he was lying in a bed in the hospital wing. His self-inflicted wounds felt a little bit better, and the regular pain of transformation was beginning to dull, but he still felt helplessly weak. He was far too ashamed to ever admit it, but at that moment, he really just wanted someone to be there to tell him that he was okay, that everything would be all right. Of course there was Madame Pomfrey, but however nice she was it just wasn't the same as someone who truly loved and cared for him. He needed someone who wasn't forced to be associated with him to distract him from his pain but, of course, he had no such thing at Hogwarts. The only people who truly cared about him, as far as he knew, were his parents.

It was that day, the longest day of his life, that he realised that no matter how dangerous it may be, no matter what the risks were, he needed to know that there would always be someone there for him. He quite simply could not survive without friends. Remus knew that he had wrecked the only friendship he could remember having, but he refused to believe that he couldn't fix it.

He took his first step the next day by determinedly sitting next to Lily in every class and apologising endlessly all day long. He got the distinct impression that he was really getting on her nerves, but when it came to this, that didn't matter. She just had to see how truly terrible he felt for what he'd said. She said that she forgave him, but Remus knew this wasn't entirely true because every time he tried to talk to her outside of their study hours, she would give him the cold shoulder. This, he thought, was fine. After all, he'd hurt her in a big way so he'd have to make it up to her in a big way. The problem was, he couldn't figure out what that big way was and he didn't have any friends who could help him out. He figured that he would know the perfect opportunity when he saw it, but he had to confess himself nervous more than three weeks later when he still hadn't fixed his mistakes.

But, at last, the chance arose. It was very fortunate that he had forgotten some of his Potions ingredients after class because if he hadn't they may never have become friends again and Godric only knew what might have happened to Lily. He was walking down the dungeon corridors when he heard a slow, drawling voice say, "Need help with that Mudblood, Snape?"

He knew who the only Muggleborn Severus Snape spent time around was, so as quickly and quietly as he could, he walked towards the voices and looked around the corner to see what was happening. Two Slytherins, probably both in their seventh year, were looking contemptuously down at Lily, and extremely nervous looking Severus backing up.

"Yes, Lucius, I think he might," one of the Slytherins, the blonde girl with a disgusted look on her face who Remus had seen on the train replied, pulling out her wand. She paused, perhaps on the pretense of figuring out what to curse her with. Severus whimpered slightly, but did not try to stop her.

"Yes, Cissa, I quite agree. He doesn't seem to know what you're supposed to do with filthy Muggles like her." Lucius pulled out his wand, but, unlike Cissa, did not hesitate.

Neither did Remus. He would never be able to remember deciding to do it, but before he knew it, he was shoving Lily out of the way of the spell the older boy had just used. He was hit with what felt like the force of a freight train and crashed into the wall behind him. Groaning, he pushed himself painfully back to his feet and pulled out his own wand. Really, it was worth whatever was going to happen to him just to see the shocked looks on the older students' faces. "Lily, go!" he shouted over his shoulder, still not quite thinking about what he was doing. She looked like she was going to protest, but before she had a chance, Lucius used yet another spell, slicing a gash into one of Remus' cheeks. He gritted his teeth and looked into the cold grey eyes of his assailant. "Go get help," He commanded, not looking at the girl who he sincerely hoped considered him a friend now. He managed to parry a couple curses with something he had taught himself, a shield charm, but he really stood no chance against the much older boy who knew more curses than Remus had even read about.

He was just barely conscious when he heard footsteps and a female voice say, "Lucius, that's enough. He's learned his lesson." His vision wasn't working properly. In fact, it was so blurred that he couldn't even make out the faces of his saviors. He didn't realise that he was lying in a heap on the ground until he was being lifted up. To his surprise, it didn't feel like the people helping him to his feet were much bigger than he was. In fact, one of them definitely felt smaller.

He allowed himself to be half-dragged, half-carried to the hospital wing by the people whom he soon came to realise were James and Sirius. "You are completely off your rocker, you know that?" Remus definitely heard pride in Sirius' voice. "Completely, barking mad, picking a fight with Lucius Malfoy. What in the name of Merlin were you thinking?"

"Something along the lines of 'he's gonna murder Lily if I don't help,'" Remus managed to choke out with some effort.

"But don't you get it?" James asked excitedly, "This is excellent! You're a not git like we were starting to think." Remus was barely able to process what the other two were saying by then, so he didn't even attempt to add input.

"I bloody _hate _Malfoy," Sirius spat furiously, "And Narcissa…she used to be decent, you know? You probably don't believe that, but back when she used to spend time with Dromeda instead of Bellatrix, she used to be an okay person, but she just stood there and watched until we came, didn't even try to stop her stupid boyfriend." He paused for a moment, and when he continued, his voice sounded a little calmer, "Still, I suppose she helped out in the end."

Even as James continued to go on about how excellent the situation was and Sirius continued to rant about his relatives, Remus slipped out of consciousness completely, thinking that, even if he _hadn't _fixed things with Lily, it looked like he had at least made two new friends.


	5. The Marauders

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Harry Potter**_** or any characters you recognise.**

**Thanks to my beta Choices HP.**

* * *

**Chapter 5: The Marauders**

When he woke up, Remus faced such a huge shock that he nearly passed out again. Sirius and James were there, which didn't particularly surprise him, and so was Lily, which was a bit more startling but, considering what had transpired earlier. But what completely threw him for a loop was that James and Lily were actually _talking_ to each other. Not arguing…TALKING.

"That Slytherin bloke sent me to an alternate dimension, didn't he?"

Lily actually squeaked with a mixture of surprise and delight. "Remus!" She ran over to the side of his bed, grinning. "How are you feeling? And…er…what are you talking about?"

"I'm fine," he answered, and it was the truth. He could still feel slight aftereffects of the onslaught he'd endured, but it was nothing compared to his transformations. "And what do you mean what am I talking about?" He propped himself up on his elbows so he could look at her more easily. "I told you to go get help, so you ran off and a few minutes later _James and Sirius_ came to help me. And just now, when I woke up, you were all happy to be talking to James. If you don't find that as weird as I do, I _must_ be in an alternate dimension…"

Sirius laughed, but James looked a little put out. "Hey, that's not cool, mate. Lily talks to me all the time."

"Lily argues with you all the time, there's a difference. Believe me, I would know," Sirius smirked.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Well, I went to get help, but they were the first people I saw, and I'd heard Sirius mention one time that all his relatives were in Slytherin, so I figured it was worth a shot. I sent them after you and went looking for…well…better help but by the time I got back, they'd already brought you here."

"That doesn't explain why you were talking to James," Sirius said.

Lily ignored him so completely that Remus was forced to repeat, "That doesn't explain why you were talking to James."

"Thank you, Personal Echo."

"Well…he was here and he saw what happened after I left and as I was worried and-and as I deserved to know what happened, I asked him." The way she said that and turned pink at the end made Remus suspect that there was more to it than she was letting on, but he decided not to press the matter.

After a moment's awkward silence, James decided to proclaim, rather more loudly than was necessary, "YOU'RE A MARAUDER NOW, REMUS!"

Remus blinked. "I go on voyages searching for booty?"

"I said marauder, not pirate. And yeah…that's the basic idea."

"What?"

"All in due time, my good sir, all in due time…" James gave him a significant look, jerking his head towards Lily.

This might have had the desired effect; if it weren't for the fact that Lily was looking at him, too. She narrowed her eyes. "What is it you don't want me to know about, Potter?"

"Wouldn't it be kind of counter-intuitive for him to tell you that?"

Lily looked shocked, and Remus wasn't sure whether this was because Sirius was being so logical or because he'd put it in a way that actually made him sound somewhat smart. "Well, yes, but that doesn't mean it's nice to keep secrets!"

"Evans, Evans, Evans…whatever will I do with you?" James sighed, "You have to earn a place as a Marauder to find out what one is. Peter doesn't even know yet."

"You're going to tell me before him?" Remus asked. He had thought Peter was part of their group, considering he was always following them around.

"Of course we are," James replied offhandedly, "Like I said, you have to earn the privilege."

"I don't think this group sounds very nice, Remus. You shouldn't join," Lily said, looking imploringly into his eyes.

Remus thought she might be right; they seemed to exclude people without hesitation. But, at the same time, it couldn't hurt to find out more, could it?

* * *

The Marauders, it transpired, were a group of people—well, the word "group" would probably be pushing it, considering it had only consisted of James and Sirius until very recently—who went around wreaking havoc just for the fun of it. Remus had been hesitant to join at first. After all, he'd learned at a young age that ignoring rules could put a person in very dangerous situations. However, quite apart from James' and Sirius' assurances that he was part of the group whether he liked it or not, he thought that this might be a nice escape from reality and knew that the pair needed someone to perfect their rather flawed schemes.

Lily seemed annoyed with him for joining because she really found it rude that they excluded everyone who they didn't deem "worthy" from the group, so Remus decided it was probably best for the sake of their friendship to explain to her what the Marauders were. "I still don't see where finding plunder comes into the equation, though," Remus added to the end of his explanation, thoughtful.

"Oh, Remus," Lily sighed, exasperated. "Why would you go and join a group like that? I thought you enjoyed learning."

"I do! I just like other things, too."

"Like spending your entire life in detention? They aren't exactly good at getting away with things, are they?"

"Well, no, but I am and they could get better. Besides, they're my friends, too."

"Look, I just don't want you getting in trouble and I don't like how they're around all the time now. Please, think about what you're doing."

"How about this? If we actually turn out to be real marauders and find loads of lost treasure, I'll give you part of my share."

Lily couldn't hold back a laugh, "Fine. Deal. But they're not allowed to come to our study sessions, alright?"

"It might be tough keeping them away, but I'll try," Remus replied before turning back to the table he and the other Marauders were sharing in the Charms classroom.

As he walked away, he heard Serenity McKnight say to Lily, "He's a complete prat, you know."

"Yeah," Lily answered, "But he's _my_ prat and I don't know what I'd do without him."

* * *

Technically speaking, having friends did not make Remus' transformations any easier, but the thought that they would be there to make him feel better once he got out of the hospital wing did help ease his pain. He had gone through a few more transformations, each time coming up with an excuse for his absence, and they still had not figured out what was really going on. That was some comfort to him, because he was terrified that they wouldn't like him anymore if they knew.

Christmas was fast approaching, and James had invited Remus, Sirius, and Peter over for the holidays. Remus really did want to go, but the full moon fell on 31 December that year and he didn't know how he would be able to hide his lycanthropy from them if he was there on the full moon, so he owled his parents about it. They told him he could go for the first two weeks of break, then come home. That way, he'd be there for Christmas (slightly to John and Joanne's dismay) but leave before his transformation occurred.

He sat in the same compartment with James, Sirius, and Peter for most of the train ride back to King's Cross Station, but before he met James' parents, he hurried off to say goodbye to Lily. He couldn't help but notice the jealous look James shot at him when he did.

"Do you really have to go to his house for Christmas?" Lily asked, frowning. "I'm sure my parents wouldn't mind you coming 'round my place instead."

"Technically, it's a manor, not a house, and I already told him I'd go. It's rude to go back on your word," he paused, smiling. "Besides, we're going to make Peter an official Marauder while we're there and you can't have a Marauder initiation without everyone there."

"I still don't like how that group excludes people…"

"_Lils_…if you want to be a Marauder that bad, all you have to do is stop shouting every time James or Sirius tries to talk to you. You must have figured out by now that we all like you and would love to have you join us." Remus was pushing Lily and her knew it, but a lot of the time that actually amused her—though she would never admit it—and he figured it was worth a try.

"Yeah, because she clearly wants to be a Marauder," Serenity said, rolling her eyes.

"Who wouldn't?" Remus asked, slightly surprised, as he'd forgotten that Serenity was there.

"Stop it," Lily ordered, smiling.

"Stop what?"

"You're sounding just like Potter and I don't think I'd be able to handle it if you became a clone of him."

"Oh. Right. Sorry," Remus felt his face grow hot.

"Lighten up, I was kidding…sort of," she said. "Have a good Christmas," she added, hugging him goodbye.

"Yeah, you too," he answered, thoroughly embarrassed by her show of affection.

"And mind you _don't_ turn into a clone of Black and Potter, they're even worse than you are," Serenity added with a smirk.

"…Rrrright. See you, then…" Remus replied, not entirely positive whether that was a compliment or not.

"Oi! What were you doing, hugging Evans?" James asked a few moments later, looking rather affronted.

"I didn't hug _her_, she hugged _me_," Remus defended.

James grumbled something under his breath, but when Sirius punched him in the arm, he looked up, rather more cheerfully and said, "Well, come on, then! You've still got to meet my parents." With that, he grabbed Remus' arm and dragged him of, followed closely by Sirius and Peter. When they reached a tall man with stick-straight, dark hair and a woman with curly red hair, James pushed Remus in the back with both hands and said, "Well, introduce yourself, then." Remus gave him a nervous look. Why couldn't _James_ introduce him? "Is my family really that terrifying? Go on, tell them your name."

"I'm Remus," he said uncomfortably. "It's nice to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you, too. I'm Kenneth Potter and this is my wife, Rae," the man who had to be Mr. Potter replied politely before turning to his son, "It would have been good manners for you to introduce us, James."

"Yeah but it's more fun to see Remus embarrassed," James whispered quietly enough so only Remus, Sirius, and Peter could hear.

"Oh, thanks," Remus replied.

"No problem."

"James," Mr. Potter said more forcefully.

"Yeah, Dad, I'll be more polite next time."

Mr. Potter looked skeptical, but turned to face the three boys who were friends with his son and smiled. "Shall we be off, then?"

They drove to Potter Manor in a Ministry of Magic car. Remus supposed it was kind of implied by the word "manor", but he couldn't help but be shocked at how big and, well, nice James' home was. There was a sprawling front yard that would have been big enough to play Quidditch in if it weren't for the fact that this was a Muggle neighborhood. The property itself was, of course, fenced off and the Manor House was almost big enough to be considered a castle. Even Sirius, who Remus knew to come from a wealthy wizarding family himself, looked shocked. "Merlin, James, your place is bigger than Uncle Cygnus and Aunt Druella's and I wouldn't exactly consider that tiny."

"Of course my house is excellent. Did you ever doubt that?" James smirked arrogantly, strutting forward with an even greater air of confidence than he had at Hogwarts.

"Of course we didn't," Peter answered, tripping over his robes in his hurry to follow.

James looked back, a thoughtful expression on his face. "Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten. We've got a surprise for you, Peter. So you'd better hurry up. This way." He led them into the house, which, if possible, looked even larger on the inside. There was a huge marble staircase front and centre that reminded Remus a bit of Hogwarts. To either side, there were double oak doors and, up the staircase, where James led them, there was a rather grand looking corridor, complete with a long red carpet placed on hardwood floor. What seemed like endless numbers of rooms were placed on either side and it was the third one on the left that they entered.

This was the first time Remus felt that he might actually be in a house, rather than a castle. Sure, the room was giant, but what did he expect? The walls were painted an odd combination of colours: lime green (to Remus' shock, as that was a Slytherin colour), neon orange, hot pink, and electric blue. Looking at them for too long was giving him a headache, so he started staring at the bedspread instead. This just made him dizzy, too, as the comforter was covered in polka-dotted tiger stripes. Yeah, _polka-dotted tiger stripes_. At that point, he turned to look at the wardrobe which, at the very least, was ordinary enough that it didn't make his feel sick.

"So, what d'ya think?" James asked, beaming. "Guest Room #5. I designed it myself. This can be where you stay, Peter. I think it suits you."

"That's not very nice," Remus commented.

"Why not? I designed it myself, it's an honour!"

"Well, Peter must make you feel nauseous if you think this room suits him."

"I second that," said Sirius, who, to Remus' surprise, looked just as disgusted as he felt.

James looked confused for a moment, then beamed, "Oh! So you like it?" Remus wasn't sure whether he was joking or not, so he didn't bother to answer.

"Like it or not, it's time we initiated Peter," Sirius answered and Remus noticed that he was staring at the wardrobe, looking slightly ill, as well.

"Right!" James said, his grin widening, "Peter, you are about to become a _Marauder_."

Peter looked unsure whether he was supposed to be frightened or not. "Wh-what's a Marauder?"

"It's a scoundrel who goes searching the seven seas for booty!"

"Do you have an obsession with pirates or something?" James asked Remus, "Are you expecting to get a map to the hidden treasures out of being one of us?"

"No, I just think it's funny that you named yourselves after a term for pirates and don't even tell me it's not the same thing because it is." Remus paused thoughtfully, "You know, once we figure out all there is to know about Hogwarts, making a treasure map of sorts might not be such a bad idea. You know, showing all the secret passages off the grounds and through the castle. We might even be able to figure out a way to track where everyone is so it would be easier to move around without being caught…"

"Come off it, that would be seriously advanced magic, I'm not even sure Flitwick could do it," Sirius said, a wistful expression on his face, "That would be nice, though."

"I have a better way of staying out of trouble than that," James said, brushing off Remus' idea like it was nothing, "And I'm planning on showing it to you before next term starts, too."

"_What is a Marauder_???" Peter asked again, still looking excessively confused.

"I already told you. It's a pirate."

"Shut up about the pirates already! It's our exclusive group specially made for having the greatest success ever known in the history of Hogwarts…nay…in the history of _the world_ in pulling pranks and superb stunts that are sure to go down with the great legends of our time—and, of course, the trouble-makers named in Filch's records—as the most completely unbeatable events in all of history." James seemed to swell with pride as he explained this.

"Er…what?" Peter squeaked, pulling his pet rat, to his chest and looking nervous.

"Basically, we're the greatest trouble-making team known to man and you're very lucky to have been invited to be a part of our group," Sirius answered, a rather haughty expression on his face.

"Why do I get to be part of your group, if it's so good when I'm so—"

"Oh, come off it. You aren't half bad. Besides, after what you did to Avery at that last Quidditch match, there's no way we'd keep you out of our group," Sirius interrupted, sounding a bit irritated.

"Wh-what?" Peter asked.

"You know what," Sirius rolled his eyes, "When he was making fun of you for tripping and you told him that you were worth sixteen and a half of him. And then when he was talking about how Remus didn't have much money and you hit him in the face…come on, that was brilliant. Dunno why you had to use the number 'sixteen and a half', though. It kind of made you look like a prat."

Peter went pink, but looked a little proud. "You're the one who told me I was worth sixteen and a half of him…"

"Doesn't mean you had to use the exact number I did."

"The point is, though, we're officially making you a Marauder for your good deeds and extreme stupidity! Let the day you spent in the hospital wing forever be a reminder of the glorious day you earned the respect of this most esteemed group!" James said, pulling out a piece of parchment and signing it with a flourish before handing it to Sirius, who also signed it, and then Remus, who scratched on his signature and handed it to Peter. "This is the Official Agreement of Becoming Worthy of Marauderism! Sign on the dotted line, as you already have the soon-to-be-extremely-valuable autographs of the three of us saying that you're ready!"

Peter read through the document and signed where James told him to, looking up excitedly, "Does this mean I can help you prank people???"

"Er…isn't that what the first line says?" Sirius asked, looking confused.

"Yes," Remus answered, looking at Sirius, but immediately regretting it when he caught another glimpse of the walls. "And can we go somewhere else? This room actually may make me sick."

James looked a bit put-out that his friends didn't love the room as much as he did, but muttered, "Right, I suppose you and Sirius need a place to put your things…" and led them out. The next room they hauled their luggage to was a bit easier on the eyes, though it still had quite a lot of vibrant orange in it. The covers on the bed had pictures of snitches, quaffles, and bludgers all over it and were a deep blue colour. "I figured this would be your room, Sirius, because it's all orange and Quidditch-y like that God-awful team you support."

Sirius seemed unsure of whether to be happy or insulted. He compromised by smiling hugely as he said, "The Canons are not awful!" in a furious tone of voice. The result, Remus thought, was quite comical.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," James rolled his eyes dramatically, "Onward to Remus' room!" With that, he shoved past Peter and Remus, grabbing the back of Sirius' robes to drag him along behind.

Remus' room, to his great shock, wasn't bright enough to make him want to vomit, but rather was Gryffindor red with a golden carpet and bedspread. "Why does he get the Awesome Hogwarts House Room?" Sirius asked.

"Because you get the Incredibly Terrible Quidditch Team Room," James answered with a smirk. "Now, put your luggage down so you can come to my bedroom and see the secret to my spectacular success as a trouble-maker," James ordered, "I was going to show it to you sooner, but I rather liked how impressed you were by the fact that I never got caught when I went out in the middle of the night on my own." The messy-haired boy looked distinctly proud of himself as he led them through another door, up a winding staircase, across and enormous ballroom, and up yet another flight of stairs, down a corridor, and into a bedroom.

Large as the guest rooms were, they were as nothing to James' room. In fact, his room could have easily been separated into two, each at least as large the rooms the rest of the Marauders were staying in. The walls were positively covered with Wimbourne Wasp posters (Sirius scoffed at this, grumbling about how the Canons were sure to best the Wasps this year) and there was rubbish and clothing littering the floor.

James shoved his luggage on the floor and opened it up, throwing clothing and (to Remus' shock) schoolbooks carelessly to join the rest of the mess he had on the floor. Finally, he found what he was looking for. It was a cloak, silvery and almost liquid, flowing down in a manner that made Remus almost think that it might go on forever. He gaped. "I've read about those," he said.

"Well, that's a shocker," Sirius said sarcastically, "Imagine Remus reading! Absolutely preposterous."

Remus ignored him and said, "But how did you manage to get your hands on one? They're really rare, I mean, I know your family is rich but this is just amazing…"

James smiled mysteriously.

"Of course, that would explain how you never got caught, but really, they're extremely difficult to find and even more difficult to make…it's said they were invented by a warlock in the eight century B.C. and he only passed down the knowledge to—"

"If either of you ever decides to explain to Peter and I what that thing is, please wake me up," Sirius said in a bored voice.

"This," James said with a grin, "is an invisibility cloak. The very invisibility cloak that we are going to use for a bit of…shall we say…start-of-term festivity when we go back to school. Sirius, you add on whatever you like. Remus, make sure there aren't any holes that could get us into any trouble. Peter…just…er…I dunno, be a good boy and listen. Here's the plan…"


	6. Christmas Holidays

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Harry Potter**_** or any of the characters**

**Thanks to my beta Choices HP**

* * *

**Chapter 6: Christmas Holidays  
**

Remus was quite excited (if not extremely nervous) about what was coming when they went back to Hogwarts, but several things happened before then.

The first thing caught all of them completely off guard. Mr. and Mrs. Potter interrupted them one day as they worked on perfecting the plan to tell Sirius that his cousin was getting married in less than a week and he was invited to the wedding. Sirius narrowed his eyes skeptically and asked, "What cousin?"

"Andromeda, I believe she said her name was."

Sirius literally jumped for joy. "Oh boy! I wanna go! Can I go?" He was so excited that he didn't notice Remus stifling a laugh, or even James and Peter not even attempting to hide theirs.

Mrs. Potter smiled warmly and answered, "Of course you can go."

"When? When is it when is it when is it?" Sirius was bouncing with excitement.

"A week from tomorrow at two in the afternoon," Mr. Potter supplied.

Sirius' eyes got wide and he exclaimed, "But that's just over a week away!"

"Really?" James asked in mock shock, earning disapproving glances from both his parents.

"Yeah! And I left my dress robes at home but my parents wouldn't want me to go to her wedding," his excitement was momentarily replaced by bitterness, "because she's marrying a Muggleborn, so…" He thought for a moment before perking up, the grin replaced on his face. "We'll just have to go to Diagon Alley! And I can show you some things there and we can get ice cream because ice cream's the best in the middle of the winter and it'll be loads of fun and I can buy new dress robes. Can we go, Mr. and Mrs. Potter? Can we? Please?"

"Of course," Mr. Potter answered, smiling. "How about we go tomorrow morning?" At Sirius' profuse nodding, both he and Mrs. Potter smiled and left.

"Obviously he was gonna say yes. I mean, who could say no to a face like that?" Remus asked, grinning almost as much as Sirius now.

"Me," James replied, raising his hand.

They all laughed.

"Really, though," James continued, "How could you say _yes_ to that face? It's disgusting."

"Hey!" Sirius exclaimed, with a genuinely hurt look on his face.

"Oh, relax. I was kidding. Sort of." James grinned. "Besides, I am very happy with you right now. You gave us the perfect excuse to go shopping!" Peter and Remus both laughed at that. James picked up a Quaffle off his shelf and threw it in their general direction. "Oh, shut up," he said as Remus dodged the ball and Peter, who was sitting behind him, failed to. "That means we can get supplies for our big plan."

* * *

The next thing was the trip to Hogsmeade itself. James' parents had decided to go shopping for things they needed around the house, leaving the four boys to shop alone. Remus thought this was rather short sighted of them, considering they were the ones who raised James and surely knew what kind of trouble he got into when he wasn't under surveillance. On the other hand, this would make it much easier for them to get their own supplies without taking the risk of the Potters becoming suspicious. So, they set out down the frosty alley on their own.

Sirius had insisted on going to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour before they bought anything, proclaiming over and over that no time was better for ice cream than the winter ("You're an odd one, you know that, Sirius?" Peter commented). After this, they headed to Madam Malkin's Robes For All Occasions, James, Remus, and Peter all shivering with cold after the ice cream while Sirius just strolled along, looking extremely content.

The quest for dress robes was exceedingly dull, especially considering Sirius modeled each style for at least ten minutes before deciding he didn't like them and going on to another. He went through ten different styles before deciding on the first one he'd looked at. James said he thought that this must be what it was like shopping with a girlfriend, but Peter expressed his views that their friend probably only did that to be annoying. Remus thought they both had a point.

At long last, it was time for the boys to prepare themselves for adventures to come. These adventures would likely come in the form of detentions, but the excitement before said adventures would make the detentions worth it. At least, that was what Remus kept telling himself.

Gambol and Japes Wizarding Joke Shop was the place to go to stock up. Remus had never been there, as his parents thought it would give him dangerous ideas, and was delighted with what he found when he entered. Filibuster's Fabulous No-Heat, Wet-Start Fireworks (which Remus thought was a rather long name for a product), Dungbombs, Fanged Frizbees, Frog Spawn Soap, Grow-Your Own Warts Kits, and Non-Explodable Luminous Balloons all caught his eye. He couldn't see why anyone would want to grow their own warts, but he was impressed by the magic required to create a product like that, anyway.

James steered him away from the kit he was examining, smirking, "Stop drooling, Remus. I'd hate to be seen in the company of someone who looks like he's never been in a joke shop before. Besides, we don't need one of those right now. It's _these_ we're after." He grabbed as many dungbombs, fireworks, and luminous balloons as he could in his arms and motioned for Remus to do the same. "There's the distraction you said we needed, by the way," James said as an afterthought, nodding at the balloons, "Excellent diversions."

Remus frowned. He was sure the teachers would figure out a way to track the balloons to them, but he wasn't going to say anything unless he came up with a better idea first.

So, the four boys carried as much "supplies", as James called them, to the front as they could and James and Sirius split the cost.

Upon Sirius' request, they went back to Florean Fortescue's once again to get more ice cream and were shivering uncontrollably by the time they found Mr. and Mrs. Potter. There was one advantage to this, though. Using the Floo powder actually felt nice for a change.

* * *

Perhaps the most enjoyable thing that proceeded going back to Hogwarts, though, was Christmas itself. Remus had always enjoyed Christmas, but at Potter Manor, it was something else entirely. Lupin Christmases had always been modest and quiet, mainly due to the need to extricate Remus from the rest of society. They had been rather small, with a family dinner and gift opening, but little else. The Potter Christmas was the complete opposite. Remus had gone to bed one night and woken up to find the place exploding with décor. He thought it looked like Santa Clause had vomited Christmas on the place.

The normal white walls and hardwood floors were now red and green with gold molding along the bottom of the walls and around the windows. There were enormous Christmas trees in every corner, covered in sparkling tinsel and Christmas baubles and topped with what looked like real fairies placed in jars. In between each door was a small counterpart of these. There was mistletoe hanging over every doorway and wreaths on the doors themselves.

With all the decor, Remus had been expecting a huge Christmas party, but it turned out that the Potters, Sirius, Peter, and him were still the only ones there.

As per Potter tradition, presents were not to be opened until after dinner, which created two huge annoyances for Remus and James. These annoyances were called Peter and Sirius. Their constant whines that they wanted their presents _now_ actually wound up driving James, who thought it would be weird to open presents early anyway, and Remus, who thought it would be good for them to learn some patience, to lock themselves up in the attic just to get away.

This, as it transpired, was actually quite fun. Well, it was quite fun for Remus, anyway, as the attic was piled high with books on every subject known to man, including Muggle novels that families like Sirius' wouldn't have been caught dead with. He took one of these, called _Lord of the Flies_, and started reading it. He thought it was quite interesting, but when he tried to read the book to James, he was politely informed that any eleven-year-old who found a book like that interesting had to be completely barmy. In retaliation, Remus went on to read the entire book aloud to James, who had apparently decided this was better than being around his other friends' complaining, but still had funny reactions.

When he finally finished reading, James stopped banging his head against a wall and looked at his watch. "Not that that wasn't enjoyably creepy and sickening, but dinner's probably ready now. C'mon." He walked to the door, unlocked it, and headed out, Remus following closely behind.

They were immediately accosted by Peter and Sirius, still moaning piteously about wanted to open their presents. Remus did his best to ignore this, but James hit both of them.

Dinner was delicious. There were mounds of food: mashed potatoes, yam, stuffing, rolls, gravy, and even a Turducken. Peter and Sirius even stopped complaining about not opening presents yet when they saw all the food laid out for them. In fact, Sirius actually complained that he wanted to keep eating when Mrs. Potter said she thought it was time to stop eating and go open their presents.

Once they got to their piles of presents, though, he quit complaining altogether and dove on his. "Excellent, I've been running low on Stink Pellets and they're much easier to hide than dungbombs…and, wow, Andromeda…this is fantastic. Oi! Come check this out!" He was holding out a brand new Silver Arrow broomstick, "Bloody fantastic, I've wanted one of these for ages."

"But…Sirius…first years aren't allowed their own brooms," Remus pointed out, frowning, holding a halfway opened box of Honeyduke's chocolates from his grandparents.

Sirius and James both gave him withering looks. "Do you think I care about what we're _allowed_ to have, Remus? Honestly, sometimes I wonder about you…"

"But—"

"You'd better watch it. Keep this up and he won't even let you have a go on it when we get to school," James said, though very quietly so his parents couldn't hear.

All in all, gift opening was one of the least exciting things about his break, Remus thought. He had received the large box of chocolates from his grandparents, a pile of books on defensive magic and magical creatures from his parents, some Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans from Peter, and various instruments of pranking from James and Sirius. He liked these all very much, much more than Sirius had liked the book his parents had given him, which was entitled _Muggles: The Threat to Wizarding Society _and made it quite obvious why Andromeda was the only family Sirius wanted to associate himself with. It was just that so much more was happening this winter that made opening gifts seem pretty insignificant.

* * *

The final thing that happened before Remus' return to Hogwarts was the full moon and the time at home that followed. He'd forgotten how nice it was to have his parents there before and after his transformations to care for him. He had even gotten to the point of thinking his transformation would be terrible without his friends around afterward, but his parents more than made up for their absence. It was one thing to have friends to cheer him up, but it really was something else entirely to have someone who not only loved him, but also knew what was wrong with him around to take care of him.

The actual act of morphing into a werewolf and back was as painful as ever, but the next day, when his parents were there not only trying to distract him with games of chess and exploding snap, but also making sure he was comfortable and not in too much pain, he couldn't help but feel that he was pretty lucky.

Stupid as it seemed, he even found himself dreading the return to Hogwarts that was fast approaching. Of course, he missed his friends, particularly Lily, who he hadn't seen since term ended, and was excited for the rest of the Quidditch season. He even missed his classes, which still felt like a novelty to him after the years he'd spent convincing himself he'd never learn to be a proper wizard. The fact remained, however, that his transformations were still worse by far when he was at school than when he was at home. He still bit and scratched himself. He still spent the entirety of the next day in the hospital wing, allowing his injuries to heal.

He found himself grappling with these thoughts late into the night in the final few days preceding his departure. Could he handle the next six and a half years without his parents there on the full moon? Was it really worth it to go back when, even at his young age, he knew that, no matter his qualifications as a wizard, he would never get a real job, would never be accepted into wizarding society?

During the day, he was restless. His lack of sleep caught up to him and his parents had definitely noticed that he wasn't himself. They were worried. They asked questions that he stubbornly dodged around. It wasn't until they told him that he would not be allowed to return to Hogwarts if he didn't tell them what was wrong that he broke down and told them that returning to Hogwarts _was_ what was wrong. He was shocked and a bit embarrassed to find himself crying—that, he thought, was very immature for an eleven-year-old to do—but by the time he told them everything he'd been thinking, all the thoughts and fears about his future, the emotions he'd felt on those sleepless nights, had welled up inside him with so much pressure that they could do nothing but come out.

The reaction he had expected from his parents was not what he got. He'd expected them to decide he wasn't ready for school yet. They often decided these things for him: when he was ready to go out in public for the first time after he was attacked, when he was ready to start going to the Muggle school down the street, when he was ready to learn to fly, when he was ready to go to Diagon Alley to get his first wand. They thought they knew how he felt about things better than he did. And so it would not have been so far-fetched for them to decide he was not emotionally ready for Hogwarts yet, especially when he himself was so uncertain.

Instead, his mother pulled him securely into her arms and said gently, "I'm afraid there's no easy answer, sweetheart." She paused, pulling away from her son just enough to wipe the tears off his cheeks. This simultaneously made him feel childish and very comforted. "It's up to you to decide if you want to go back."

Up to him. He leaned more heavily into his mother, turning just his head to look over at his father, who was sitting on the edge of a chair, his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. Every time something like this came up…every time Remus' condition impaired his life…he just wished his dad would stop feeling so guilty. Remus didn't think it was his fault, so why did he?

Again, unbidden, hot tears began to well up in his eyes and he turned his face back into his mum's shoulder. He would never be accepted. In a way, John's guilt would always be justified. Nothing would change the fact that it would be impossible for him to find a job when he grew up. Nothing would change the fact that anyone who found out what he was would hate him for it. Nothing would change the fact that learning to be a wizard was a waste of his life. Nothing would change the fact that he quite simply could never be normal. With that, he had a decision.

But then his thoughts strayed to the only place he had ever felt normal, the only place he felt accepted by anyone other than his parents. He thought of the people who he would trust with his life, if not his secret. The people he almost dared to think would care about him even if they found out. The people he would need to support him one day when he didn't have his parents anymore. He even allowed his thoughts to stray to certain plans he had with those people for the beginning of the upcoming term.

And his dad. His dad, who was always there for him no matter what, who was the greatest wizard Remus knew, who loved him more than anyone else in the world. His father, who blamed himself for Remus' condition. His father, who would undoubtedly be crushed by guilt if Remus decided to give up because of what he was.

In the end, there really was only one choice to make.

"Mum?" he forced out.

"Yes?" The single word was thick with emotion.

"I think I have to go back to Hogwarts."


End file.
